Combating Holiday Stress

It’s common for people to be under a lot of stress during the Holiday Season, but it’s supposed to be an enjoyable time isn’t it?  How can you lower your stress level and really enjoy yourself? You can find the usual advice about holiday stress here and here. But my solution is different and not often proposed, but it’s how I approach the season and I’m much happier since I adjusted my attitude.

My proposal is to begin to turn the holiday back to what it used to be.  Originally the holiday was to bring light to the darkness of winter, cheer ourselves with the promise of better things to come, and celebrate that promise with friends, family and the community.  Modern society has turned Christmas into a celebration of consumerism; big business has a lot to do with that.  But they’ve convinced a lot of people that the celebration is about what we are going to get, and the competition of who can find the best gift or throw the best party.

Most of us in America, those with decent jobs anyway, have everything we need.  Many of us have way more than we know what to do with.  So here’s a novel idea, instead of giving people something that will end up in the closet or being re-gifted, why not give a donation to a worthy charity in their name?  If Christmas is about the spirit of giving what better gift than helping people who are truly in need?

Big business will hate it, but wouldn’t it be a calmer, nicer holiday for everyone if we gave to those who needed help rather than adding to our own materialism?  It will take time and lots of people changing their attitude to effect a real change in society.  But imagine the Friday after Thanksgiving as a relaxing family day, no brawls over TV’s at Walmart, no fights over parking spaces, just football and leftover turkey. OK, it’s a fantasy, but it's mine and I love it.  This is how I celebrate the holidays and I’ve been much happier since I started living this way.

PS. Here’s a link to a cool new way to add light to your holiday. (thanks to my friend Marianne for the link)
 

Today’s Action Item:  Make a contribution to your favorite charity.

Are You in Control?

First a brief psychology lesson

People perceive things in different ways; our perceptions are colored to some degree by our past experiences.  People also have different ways of explaining why things happen to them, this is called attributional style, a central theme to my Master’s Thesis.  A closely related concept is the subject of this post: Locus of Control (LOC).  People generally have either an internal or external LOC.  An internal LOC, means the person sees themselves as in control of most of what happens to them; where those with external LOC see outside forces in charge of most events in their lives.

Why does this matter?  Generally those with an external LOC are harder to motivate, they tend to believe that there is nothing they can do to change things because external forces are in control.  A person with an internal LOC believes they have the ability to affect outcomes in their lives, so they will make more of an effort to improve their lives.

Can LOC be changed?

You can change how you perceive things, but not easily.  It took a whole lifetime of experiences to get you where you are now, that can’t be changed in a few days.  Any deeply ingrained belief can be changed only with concerted effort and strong motivation to do so.

The primary technique for changing long held beliefs is to question your beliefs, make yourself prove the belief to be correct.  This can be very difficult for many people to do on their own. If their beliefs are strong enough it will be almost impossible to see the proof that you are in control of most things.  If that is the case and you really do want to change your beliefs you will need the help of a trained cognitive behavioral therapist.  A good therapist is trained to ask the best questions that will get your mind to open up to new possibilities.  Or you may know someone who is optimistic and believes they are in control of their life that would be willing to help you.  If that person can question your beliefs based on their own beliefs you may start to see the point of view of a person with an internal LOC.

Once you have broken through your resistance to a new way of thinking you can use affirmations, visualization and self-hypnosis to continue retraining your mind with a new sense of control. You will also need to be constantly aware of your thoughts and correct yourself when you are mentally giving control to an external force.

Action Does It

Thinking, questioning, visualizing are important techniques, but that alone won’t guarantee your new way of looking at the world.  Taking action on your new beliefs is what will cement those beliefs in your mind.  As you take action you will gain more and more evidence that you to have the ability to effect changes in your life.

Action Item:  Take this test from Psychology Today to see if you are in control.

Introspection

In a lot of my posts I talk about doing some introspection to discover what issues are holding you back from achieving your goals.  For some of you getting in touch with your feelings and motivations isn’t easy.  So how do you do this if you aren’t so skilled at it?  

Some people might be repressing, or hiding their feelings even from themselves.  Others have an internal editor that immediately starts making excuses or rationalizing feelings or behavior.  To get in touch with the underlying motivations you have to start with a relaxed mind.  

If you ask people when they have their biggest revelations or best ideas you will find that it’s usually when they are very relaxed, in the shower, just before falling asleep, or under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.  I’m not recommending drugs or alcohol, there are safer methods listed below.

Self Reflection Techniques

1) Meditation is a great way to relax the mind and learn about yourself.  I’m not an expert at mediation, in fact I hate doing it, so I can’t teach it, but I have provided a couple links to get you started:

http://zenhabits.net/meditate/

http://www.tm.org/meditation-techniques

2) Journaling at least once a day can help reveal your internal thoughts and feelings.  The trick is to write without editing.  Just get everything out and on to the page as quickly as possible in a steady flow of ideas.  It’s like brainstorming.  Start with some event that happened during the day and describe what happened, how you felt, what thoughts you had.  Then keep writing until it just starts to become gibberish.  Practice this every day and you will get deeper and deeper in touch with yourself.

3) This is a behavioral study technique that I learned when I was doing animal behavior studies, but it can be adapted for studying feelings too.  Set an alarm on your watch or smartphone to go off at specific intervals (the interval can be whatever you want).  Then when the alarm goes off try to remember what you were thinking and feeling just prior to the alarm.  This teaches you to be aware of what you are feeling in the moment.  Keep a record of your thoughts and feelings and you may begin to notice patterns which can teach you a great deal.

4) Relaxing physical activity can calm the mind.  Take a solitary walk, bike ride or some other calming activity of your choice.  Listen to your self-talk during this activity.  Are you thinking ahead, planning for the future?  Are you dwelling on something in the past?   Are you enjoying the current moment? Are you stressed out because you are alone?  See what patterns you notice.

Practice

As with anything, you will get better at introspection the more you do it.  Give yourself plenty of time to learn this new skill.  If you are always surrounded with other people you may need to find time to be alone.  Introspection is a solitary activity, the presence of others can disrupt your thoughts.

Today’s Action Item:  Set a timer for 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours from now & try studying yourself.

Leverage Social Power to Help You Reach Your Goals

Chances are you won’t achieve your goal until you have made a commitment – at least to yourself – that you are going to achieve it.  May, might, could are not enough, the only statement that will get you to your goal is: I Will…

The power of social commitment

Making a commitment to yourself is a good start, but making it public, or at least to someone who will hold you to it, is much more effective. No one likes being reminded that they failed to follow through on something. Often the desire to avoid that is enough to keep you going.  

Use Social Media

If you really want a push, post your plans on Facebook, so all your friends can keep you honest.

There is also a new app called Lift that can help you keep track of your commitments as well as keep your friends and anyone else using the app updated on your progress.  Not only do the users of this app keep you honest, they will also cheer you on toward your goal.

Get a cheerleader

Recruit one of your friends or family to keep track of your progress and cheer you on as well.  Having a cheerleader is helpful when you are losing your resolve and thinking about quitting.  Of course, you will have to choose this person carefully, not everyone is a good cheerleader, pick someone who is optimistic and encouraging.

Get a Sponsor

A feature of the Alcoholics Anonymous program is that everyone gets a “sponsor” who has been through the program and been successful.  The sponsor mentors the new AA member, helps them get through tough times.  Find someone you can call on when you are thinking about quitting, or need help to keep going.  A sponsor is a little different from a Cheerleader, a sponsor should be someone who has been there and done that, who has experience they can impart to help you get to the next step in your journey.

Get a Coach

If you don’t know anyone who can fill the bill of Cheerleader or Sponsor, there are Life Coaches whose job it is to coach people in life skills.  Search Life Coach online and you will find many.  This is a more expensive option than a friend or relative but it is an option, and I’m all in favor of having lots of options.

Today’s Action Item:  Write out a contract committing yourself to reaching your goal, and set a date for its achievement.  Sign and date the contract; put it somewhere you can see it every day.